[That gets a soft sound out of him, neither assenting nor derogatory; he keeps working on Hauteclere, even as he speaks.]
I spent three years trying to become someone that was deserving of forgiveness, you know.
[It's still icy, still distant, but maybe there's something a bit more behind it. Not much, but...something.]
That was what I wanted, in the end, even if I didn't know it at the time, I didn't have the words for it. But I wanted to be deserving of forgiveness, and maybe be deserving of love again. I wanted to be someone who had earned that love, because loving someone unconditionally was incomprehensible to me - it still is.
I've learned two things since. The first is that I can't be that person.
[He has no interest in looking over, it seems; he keeps his attention focused on what he's doing.]
Maybe it isn't possible for me, to be deserving of things like that after what I've done. Maybe I deserved them once a long time ago but don't anymore. I can't say for sure. But the fact of the matter is that here, being someone like that isn't sustainable. It isn't going to serve me, and so it should be discarded.
The second is that it feels...natural, almost, to stop striving for that. To stop trying to attain things that I don't deserve and am never going to earn. It isn't ideal, but it's better.
You can call it running if you want. Giving up. Whatever you feel like. I hardly care. But seeking forgiveness and love have done nothing for me, and so they cease to interest me.
no subject
I spent three years trying to become someone that was deserving of forgiveness, you know.
[It's still icy, still distant, but maybe there's something a bit more behind it. Not much, but...something.]
That was what I wanted, in the end, even if I didn't know it at the time, I didn't have the words for it. But I wanted to be deserving of forgiveness, and maybe be deserving of love again. I wanted to be someone who had earned that love, because loving someone unconditionally was incomprehensible to me - it still is.
I've learned two things since. The first is that I can't be that person.
[He has no interest in looking over, it seems; he keeps his attention focused on what he's doing.]
Maybe it isn't possible for me, to be deserving of things like that after what I've done. Maybe I deserved them once a long time ago but don't anymore. I can't say for sure. But the fact of the matter is that here, being someone like that isn't sustainable. It isn't going to serve me, and so it should be discarded.
The second is that it feels...natural, almost, to stop striving for that. To stop trying to attain things that I don't deserve and am never going to earn. It isn't ideal, but it's better.
You can call it running if you want. Giving up. Whatever you feel like. I hardly care. But seeking forgiveness and love have done nothing for me, and so they cease to interest me.